Candles for the Living
by Sonnenkoenigen
Summary: Lenalee, after Chapter 208 of the manga.


**Author's note: **Lenalee, after Chapter 208 of the manga, which means things like spoilers or confusion if you haven't read that far. One of the outtakes from The Book of Vices and Virtues.

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**Candles for the Living**

After she turns off the lamp, she lights the candles on her windowsill, whispering a name with each one. Others burn candles for the dead. Lenalee burns candles for the living.

_O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure._

When she stole the first ones from the chapel stores, she wasn't worried. It was only a few and she's an Exorcist. They wouldn't reprimand her for the theft, they'd reprimand her for not asking. Really, she can take all she wants. The problem is that she would have to explain, and she doesn't want to talk about it, not to anyone. She is keeping secrets now, deeper than she ever has before.

_For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore._

One candle is for Kanda, her oldest friend, not the warmest or kindest friend one could wish for, but the one she can best rely on to tell her the truth. It took her a while to get used to his rudeness, but over time she came to appreciate it as a rare kind of honesty. With Kanda, she always knew where she stood, even if it was at the bottom of a muddy well.

_There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; _

He was right, not only in what he said but in the fact that he said it. She needed to hear it. She'd been begging everyone to tell her she'd been wrong, that she abandoned one of her best friends, but all they did was reassure her. Of course, they would have done the same thing, so in reaffirming her cowardice they justified their own. Only Kanda dared to openly defy the Order. Only Kanda was in a position to judge her and find her wanting.

_neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin._

The second candle is for Allen, and every time she lights it, she tells him she's sorry. She saw the condition he was in, and what did she think they would do if he went back? Take him to the infirmary, to the stern but tender care of Nurse? No, they would have taken him back to prison and tightened the security on him even more, to make absolutely sure he never saw the light of day again. What kind of friend tells someone to go back to that?

She just wanted everything to go back to normal. Now, too late, she understands that it never will.

_For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me._

The last candle is for Lavi.

She was unprepared for the horrible sensation of falling when they told her that Lavi and Bookman had been captured. Her memory of Allen slumped against the wall of Miranda's apartment after being tortured by Road never faded, and she felt the room spin as her stomach heaved. Not the Noah! Anything but the Noah! They actually liked Allen! What would they do to someone they didn't like?

_My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness._

She must have moved, because the next thing she knew, Marie had hold of her arm.

"We'll find them, Lenalee," he said. "We're not going to abandon them."

She let them think she was all right, then she went to her room and cried so hard she threw up. That night, she started stealing candles.

_I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long._

She was raised by the Church, had verse after verse of the Bible pounded into her head until she could hear them in her dreams, songs of misery and despair that she rejected with everything she had, but they're coming back to her now, supplications written thousands of years ago, pleas to an implacable God for mercy.

_I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart._

She doesn't believe that anyone hears, but she's too devastated to care. She needs to beg, because at the end of each mission, there are faces missing. There's no Kanda scowling even in meditation, no Allen eating everything in sight, and no Lavi asleep on a couch with a book open on his chest.

_Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee._

When she woke up cradled in warm arms after the fight with Eshi, she knew it was Lavi even before she opened her eyes. It's something about the way he smells. It's comforting. It makes her feel safe and happy, it makes her want to run off with one of his shirts so she can sleep in it. She's thought more than once about breaking into his room, expand her newfound talent for thievery, but she doesn't know how to pick locks.

He will come back. He will. He has to.

She worries about Kanda and Allen, but not in the same way. Those two are like comets, streaks of flying fire moving so fast she could almost wish on them. Lavi, though, is only human. He's horribly vulnerable, especially in the hands of an enemy as cruel and pitiless as the Noah.

_My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me._

It's so hard to wake up in the morning knowing she'll have to walk halls that feel so empty, but it's just as hard to go to bed at night, when the silence gives her fears rich soil in which to grow until there's no place left in her room for her to sleep. Nurse gave her some tea and maybe it helps, but she still lights candles on the windowsill and kneels on her bed in futile prayer.

_My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off._

She shouldn't feel so alone. She's surrounded by people, people who care about her, but without the boys, her back feels exposed. The other Exorcists are good, the Generals are better, but it isn't the same.

_They also that seek after my life lay snares for me: and they that seek my hurt speak mischievous things, and imagine deceits all the day long._

She thought she understood this war. Her job is to fight Demons*, and she's good at it. It took time and work and the unflagging affection of her brother, who has been her anchor in this storm, but what she thought was a hurricane turned out to be the calm before all hell broke loose. The Noah appeared, the Demons began evolving, and the Exorcists are dying or disappearing. Even with the Ark, they are barely holding on, run ragged by missions that feel more and more like tours of duty.

_Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs._

But maybe it was always like this. Maybe the Earl was just waiting, and she ignored it, wanting, as ever, to believe that everything was going to be all right. Sometimes, having hope is a foolish thing, like wearing a blindfold while walking in the woods because you're afraid you might see a bear.

Kanda, Allen and Lavi have been devoured, and it's taken Johnny, too. Who will be next? Even her new Dark Boots, for all their power and responsiveness, don't seem like enough. She's still too weak. She has to work harder. She has to get stronger.

_For in thee, O Lord, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God._

More than ever, she wants to win, or maybe she wants the Earl and the Noah to lose, not because of the holy war but because of what they've done. They're tearing her world apart person by person, destroying everything she loves, and however weak she may be, she will fight.

_For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me._

She's been tested once and was found wanting, a nagging guilt that covering for Johnny and Kanda can only partially ease. Kanda was right. She abandoned Allen and it's made her ugly. She doesn't want Lavi to see her like this. She doesn't want him to be disappointed in her. He told her once to be strong. She wants to show him that she is.

_For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin._

But is she really? Not only is she stealing candles, she's lying to her brother, which makes her feel awful but what else is she supposed to do? She tries to make it all right by telling herself that he probably wants her to, because if she lies, he can tell Rouvellier the truth, but she isn't sure. No matter which way she turns, she's betraying someone she loves.

_But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied._

Lavi has to be all right. He has to, but she can't see him through Road's candles, Tyki's butterflies, Lulu Bell's shapes, and the horrors the other Noah can inflict. The Order isn't just outnumbered, they're hopelessly outgunned.

_They also that render evil for good are mine adversaries; because I follow the thing that good is._

A part of her is still that little girl who tried to run, then tried to die when they made it clear that running wasn't possible. Very slowly, she is coming to understand that this is the part of her that fights, the part that took Eshi down, the part that went crystal-type to fight the Level 4. It's like a cannonball, smashing through everything in its path, but she's not too sure of her aim. When she was small, she fought hard to go back to her brother, only instead of hitting the walls of the Order, or maybe hitting Rouvellier, she hit Komui, and she has never forgiven herself. She does not want to do the same thing to anyone ever again.

_Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me._

She blows out each candle one by one, whispering those names as she did when she lit them, and the darkness closes in on her. Wherever they are, she is here, helpless, waiting for a second chance, hoping she has the courage to take it when it comes, hoping that her aim will be true.

_Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation_

The only reason she doesn't cry herself to sleep is because she's run out of tears.

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*Any time a work is translated, there are sacrifices. I don't know why the decision was made to not translate the word "akuma", but when that was done, a lot of potential wordplay was lost. In order to regain that, I chose to translate "akuma" as Demon, capitalizing it to distinguish it from the kind of demon not made by the Earl. In doing so, I lost whatever was gained in not translating that word, but that's how translation goes. You win some; you lose some.

Italics are from Psalm 38.


End file.
